10 Red Flags Your Relationship is Toxic -

I hear from people all the time who are recently out of a narcissistic relationship, and one thing that always surprises them is how they didn’t see it coming or how they ignored the signs until it was too late. And it’s shocking to them and sometimes shameful. But it’s important to remember that these narcissistic tactics and dynamics bypass logic, and they hook straight into your deepest human needs for deep love and intimacy.

I’m Lori Green, therapist, author, and life coach. And in today’s article, I’m talking about 10 signs that you are in a narcissistic relationship. Stay with me until the end because I’ll share the best test to see whether your relationship is toxic or not.

Before we dive in, I just want to give a quick shout-out to the reader who suggested this topic in a recent post. Thank you for this suggestion! This article is for you and for everyone else who has been wondering the same thing.

So let’s jump right in. Here are 10 signs that you may be in a narcissistic relationship.

1: Push-Pull Cycle.

In the beginning, it’s like you finally found your soulmate. The attention, the affection, the intensity—it’s intoxicating. You are the center of their universe. They want to spend the entire rest of their life with you. But then the shift happens. Suddenly, they are pulling back. They’re not so sure about you anymore.

So, after showering you with constant attention, praise, and intense affection, suddenly they’re ignoring your texts, shutting you out—maybe for days—or acting irritated and distant. You feel like you’re losing them, and you’re constantly wondering what you did wrong, trying to fix it, maybe apologizing just to break the silence and win them back.

In healthy relationships, affection is steady. You don’t have to question whether your partner cares about you or wonder where you stand all the time. But in narcissistic relationships, this attention and affection comes and goes, and you’re being conditioned. It’s love bombing followed by withdrawal and repeating over and over. And that’s what keeps you trapped, chasing the highs of the beginning of the relationship, never realizing that this gain is rare.

2: Walking on Eggshells.

In narcissistic relationships, you find yourself rehearsing what you’re going to say because the wrong word, the wrong tone, or even the wrong look on your face can set them off. Maybe they blow up because you text back too slowly, or you were 5 minutes late, or you didn’t sound excited enough when you walked in the door.

So, you end up hyper-alert, constantly scanning their moods, trying to adjust yourself just to keep the peace. Over time, this hyper vigilance becomes your new normal. You stop bringing up issues, not because you don’t have anything to say, but because you already know what’s coming if you do, and you just don’t want to deal with it. So, you’re no longer living freely; you’re living in fear, hiding things, not speaking your truth, always bracing yourself for the next explosion.

Related: 3 Secrets All Narcissists Keep.

3: Ignored Boundaries.

In a narcissistic relationship, your boundaries don’t matter. They’re dismissed, maybe even mocked, twisted back on you. You might say something like, “Don’t yell at me. I won’t tolerate that.” Instead of respecting you, they escalate, shame you, or act like you’re infringing on their right to abuse you. Boundaries, which are supposed to protect your well-being, get treated as a betrayal. The more you try to stay firm, the more you get punished for it.

In healthy relationships, boundaries are respected and are part of building trust, safety, and mutual respect.

4: Responsible for their Emotions.

Over time, you start carrying the weight of their moods. If they’re sulking, angry, anxious, or abusive, you automatically start scanning yourself. What did I do wrong? How do I fix this? You end up thinking that their happiness and stability depend on you. If they fall apart, it’s somehow always your fault.

In healthy relationships, both partners take responsibility for their own moods and behaviors while supporting each other when needed. In narcissistic relationships, it’s one-sided. They unload everything on you, and you’re expected to regulate them while your own needs and feelings get trampled on in the process.

5: Double Standards

In a narcissistic relationship, you will quickly learn that the rules are not applicable to them, just to you. For example, maybe they’re always late, but you’re just 5 minutes late, and it’s a huge ordeal that ruins the entire night. Or maybe they overtly flirt with other people in front of you, but if you so much as politely smile at the waiter, you’re accused of cheating.

What’s allowed for them is disrespectful if you do it. Instead of seeing the hypocrisy, they twist it back on you as though you’re the one who’s untrustworthy and has no integrity. In a healthy relationship, there’s fairness, consistency, and mutual respect. In narcissistic ones, they make the rules, and you’re the only one who has to follow them, giving them full control over you and the relationship.

6: They punishe you with silent treatments.

In toxic relationships, silence isn’t about taking space to calm down and process your thoughts and emotions; it is a weapon. Maybe they stop replying to your texts, ignore you in your own house, or walk past you for days without saying a word. That cold withdrawal is punishment, and it trains you to apologize just to break the tension, even when you didn’t do anything wrong.

That’s the point. It’s psychological punishment designed to keep you chasing their attention and approval. In healthy love, silence is about cooling off and finding clarity—it’s communicated. But in toxic relationships, it’s all about being in control and showing you, reminding you who has all the power.

7: There’s no repair after conflict.

In healthy relationships, fights happen, but they end with repair. You talk it through eventually. You own your parts. You find your way back to connection. Conflict doesn’t leave you questioning your worth or walking on eggshells.

But in a toxic relationship, conflict is a one-way street. You have to take the blame. You do all the apologizing. You’re the one always promising to try harder. Meanwhile, they absolve themselves of all responsibility by rewriting the narrative where you’re always the villain and they’re always the innocent victim who did absolutely nothing wrong. So, there’s never any real resolution. It’s always you shrinking yourself and taking the blame to restore the peace.

8: Isolation.

They isolate you from others. You start canceling plans with your friends or skipping family events because every time you spend time with others, you pay for it. Maybe they stir up drama, accusing your friends of disrespecting them, complaining that your family makes them feel unwelcome, or even picking fights with you just before you’re about to go somewhere.

Over time, it’s just not worth it. So, you stop going. You stop reaching out until one day you realize they’re the only person around. This might look like love, but it’s not; it’s control. The more chaos and conflict they create with others, the more isolated you feel and the more dependent you become on them. So ask yourself: are you truly growing closer to them or just growing apart from everyone else?

9: Gaslighting.

In narcissistic relationships, gaslighting is constant. They’re twisting facts, denying what happened, and rewriting the story, leaving you questioning your own memory and your own sanity. Over time, it doesn’t stop with their gaslighting; you start doing it to yourself, and you’ll catch yourself making excuses for them.

You know, maybe they didn’t mean it that way. They’re distressed; they’ve been traumatized. You start flipping the blame inward. Maybe if I hadn’t said this, they wouldn’t have exploded. That’s self-gaslighting. When you silence your own truth just to preserve the relationship, it is self-gaslighting. The more you do it, the more you lose your confidence. You don’t just question the relationship; you question yourself. Little by little, you feel smaller, weaker, less certain of who you are.

And that’s not an accident. In a narcissistic relationship, systematic devaluation is the point. The weaker and more insecure you feel, the more control they have and the more secure they feel.

10: You can’t leave even though you can’t tolerate it anymore.

One of the clearest signs of a narcissistic relationship is that you know it’s destroying you, but you still can’t walk away, or you can’t stay away. You find yourself hoping, praying, and waiting for them to change, longing for that version of them you had during the love-bombing phase and the version they promise to become—if only you can be the fantasy partner they need you to be.

That cycle of craving the good version of them and dreading the bad version is what keeps you stuck in this constant state of limbo. You can’t tolerate the chaos, but you can’t leave because you’re addicted to the hope that the soulmate version of them will come back and finally stay. Healthy relationships don’t make you feel trapped. They don’t make you feel like you’re losing your mind.

TEST

So, if you’re still unsure, here is the simplest test: ask yourself how you typically feel after spending time with them. Are you calm? Do you feel loved and supported? Or are you drained, anxious, and doubting yourself? That answer will tell you everything you need to know.

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